hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
