My Higher Power is John Stamos
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i think i just lost a toe
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
