I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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