so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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