Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize