this beer tastes like vomit already
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
