Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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