oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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