Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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