I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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