i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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