i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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