i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
