I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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