its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
