Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
