he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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