i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize