I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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