If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
