the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
