if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
