I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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