I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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