Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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