The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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