I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
