I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
