quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize