you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
