You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
