We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
