I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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