The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
