you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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