She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
