that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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