who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
