I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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