:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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