It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
