I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
