no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
