i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
