Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
