Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
