that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
