Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
