what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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