she woke up with a sticky ear
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
