I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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