well I can't set my house on fire every night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
