Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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