I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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