A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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