i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sext me about skeletons
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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